I am going through a hard time; a time of guilt at how we managed Joan’s last hours.
The Silver Chain nurses told us that Joan’s agitation was ‘terminal anxiety’ and that it was a common occurrence.
In the times that she came out of the deep sleep we had to manage her efforts to get out of bed and we were shown how to administer an anti-anxiety drug to reduce the struggle that she was going through. Each time she ‘came around’ she looked at me and reached out for my hands to get her up and out. She couldn’t speak, but she looked into my eyes pleading for help with arms outstretched. With the medication, and when we held her hands she seemed to give in and lapsed back into sleep.
I don’t know how we could have done this better, but it is haunting me now.
6 comments:
Lockie, you did everything you could. I'm sure all she wanted to do, was to look at you and for you to know how much she loves you... because she would've known that everything you were doing was because you loved her so much.
My thoughts are always with you,
Soph xx
kev 'Joan knew how much you loved her, You couldn>t have done anything else to help her die. She died ,knowing that all her family and friends were praying for her to go peacefully. She just didn.t want to leave you , the same as had didn,t want to leave and fought against it, You did everything you could, she is free of pain now and will be wanting you to be happy, I feel just as guilty because Had didn.t get his wish to die at home. and none of the family were with him when he died. we both have to move on. give yourself time to heal . Marg,
Trust in the advice that Silver Chain nurses gave you because this is their area of expertise.
Unlike many of us who may only experience death from a terminal illness once in our lives, (or in the movies) they deal with the realities every day.
Unfortunately, along with many other feelings, guilt is also a part of the grieving process. I managed my fathers last hours and still sometimes wonder should I have done things differently. I
had to make the decision to discontinue medication that kept him alive when his body couldn't sustain life on it's own.
At times even 5 years on, I have to tell myself that everything was done to help him on his last journey to relieve any pain and anxiety on his behalf.
While your feelings of guilt make you feel like sh*T, along with the others, it's better to acknowledge and try to work through them rather than supress them.
Also trust in what your friends are telling you. It is evident from reading this blog just how much you cared for Joan and that you did everything possible to allow her to die peacefully. Something I'm sure we all want when our time comes.
Thank you so much for posting about Joan's funeral and eulogy. I was not able to attend on the day so toasted her with a glass of champagne instead. I love the photo of her you posted 4th March, glass of bubbly in hand and a big cheesy grin.
best regards
Ronnie from Husq club
Oh Kev I am so sorry you feel this way but I do think it is completely normal. The look in Joan's eyes is now haunting you, but the truth is Kev you did everything you could for Joan, her body was reacting to the medication and the cancer. You have to know in your heart the love she held for you. Accept you did your best Kev, and know that Joan would never want you to feel guilty. If the shoe were on the other foot, if Joan had been caring for you - would you want her feeling guilty because she tried to calm you.
You have such a rough road ahead my friend, grief is so hard, so painful but you will live through it and no one would be happier for you when you do than your lovely Joan....:-)Hugs
Thinkin' of you Kev.
Kev - of course she reached for you - you were the person she would always reach for comfort and reassurance. You dont know whether she seemed to give in or was simply just reassured that you were there for her. Give thanks for your time together and dont dwell on whether you could have done it better - no one gets a chance to rehearse these situations. Take care of yourself now - thats what she would expect jamesL
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